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(Cue the John Williams' Olympics theme music)
So. The Beijing Olympics.
On one hand, they were everything we expected them to be. We all knew that giving the hosting duties to China might spark drama due to China's history of human rights issues, so when would-be US flag bearer, Joey Cheek, got his visa taken away for being a huge advocate against the Darfur genocide, it wasn't all that surprising. We all hoped that they'd stick to their promise of unrestricted freedom of the press, but seeing as how two elderly women are currently being ordered to a labor camp for applying to protest, we weren't shocked that it took reporters and photographers getting manhandled and arrested for covering the protests before we even heard about them happening.
And of course, everyone knew NBC would be wholly unable to do a good job in scheduling live events, providing clear, objective commentary, or giving adequate airtime to athletes that weren't American, Chinese, or Michael Phelps. So naturally we came prepared with CBC feeds to compensate and Olympic drinking games in place before Costas even had a chance to mangle the pronunciation of his first foreign country.
Yet, as familiar as the urge to throw pillows at the TV and scream "SHUT UP, AL!" was for the last two weeks, the 29th Olympiad of the Summer Games was also drastically different. In many ways, it was the Changing of the Guard. Old world records fell to the wayside, not only with Michael Phelps's eight gold medals, but also in the pool and on the track- and they were set mostly by relative newcomers to the Games. The acceptance of beach volleyball as a legitimate sport and the addition of BMX to the Games have given it a revamped, more youthful image from your Daddy's Olympics. And maybe Thoogie put it best when he said, "It's time to step aside for the new generation of athletes" because it seems that the athletes are just getting younger and younger (and no, I'm not just talking about the Chinese gymnasts.)
So with that in mind, I give you my Best and Worst of the Olympics for 2008. Expect new faces, new categories, and even more outrageous drama than the last Summer Games. But don't worry. The snark is still there as prominent as ever, and I promise, no CGI added elements have been added this post to make it look pretty. (The pictures of pretty pretty athletes do that just fine).
And the Crowd Goes Wild: Best Celebration
Winner: Cesar Filho wins 50m Free. Prior to the race, he could be identified as the swimmer who was constantly making the sign of the cross. After the race, he was the one who was crying so hard, that his rival, Bernard who placed 2nd, gave him a hug and told him with a laugh that, yes, he won, so be happy. It was too cute to see such a humble man win the title of the Fastest Swimmer Alive. (And yes, he openly wept during the medal ceremony, too.)
Runner-up: Sally McLellan gets silver in 100m hurdles. Her elation at winning the hurdles was absolutely a treat to watch, and without a doubt, her post-race interview is the best.thing.ever. Her disbelief at her own feat was adorable, and I loved her answer to the question of "what were you thinking during the race?": "I got over the hurdles and was just thinking, shit, I can't let her get past me." Awesomecakes.
But Some of My Best Friends are Chinese!: Most In Need of Cultural Diversity Training
Winner: Spain. First their basketball team got caught posing in an ad with slanted eyes. To make matters worse, pictures of the Spanish women's tennis team emerged doing the same gesture. And then comes their defense: it was a "gesture of affection ... and identification with the Chinese people." They even had the gall to say that if others are offended, that's their problem. *faceplam*
You might want to re-think your strategy for the bid for the 2016 Games, Madrid. But Tokyo, Rio, and Chicago thank you for your stupidity!
Runner-up: Mary Carrillo's ignorant American shtick. Sometimes she was able to produce an excellent piece that gave us more insight into the Chinese culture, like that piece on the Olympic logo design. More often than not, though, her reliance on Carl Douglas' "Kung-fu Fighing" type jokes and grimaces at the weird food were textbook examples of exoticizing the Other. You know, they eat chicken feet in a lot of other cultures too, Mary. And some people question our love of hot dogs, when no one really knows what goes in them. Just sayin'.
Making Athletes Cry One Interview at a Time: Worst Interviewer
Winner: Andrea Joyce. It's a hard debate over who is the worst among the Terrible Trio of Elfie, Tim, or Al, but by far, Andrea Joyce leaves them all in the dust. Her interview with Alicia Sacramone after the team competition was downright cruel, as she basically asked Alicia how it felt to be responsible for the team "losing gold." Never mind that Alicia showed great composure in completing her events despite stumbles to help them win the silver, that she wasn't the only one to slip, or that, you know, it's a TEAM event. And then, just when it couldn't get any worse, Andrea then turned to her teammate, Shawn Johnson, and asked her if she blamed Alicia for the loss. Needless to say, NBC got flooded with angry emails that night.
Runner-up: Andrea Kramer. You know her as the interviewer who famously asked Natalie Coughlin why she can't seem to swim straight right after Coughlin won the gold medal in the event in question. With such inane questions, it's a surprise no one "accidentally" pushed her into the pool, but I know a ton of people wanted to after she made one teenage diver cry after she failed to qualify for the semi-finals. The worst part? Said interview wasn't even live; NBC chose to air it after the beach volleyball final.
I am Sixteen, going on Fourteen: Biggest Scandal Involving Shady Cover-ups
Winner: The age of the Chinese women's gymnastics team. Look, does ANYONE actually believe that these kids are 16 (or turning 16 this year as the rule allows)? Not that anyone could do anything about it: the IOC goes off of government issued documents, so if China produces the paperwork showing that they are of age, no "mistake" found by the media of said gymnast listing a younger age in previous competitions can say differently. I just think it's sucks that 33 year-old Oksana Chusovitina busted her butt against teenagers and still managed to get silver for Germany.
Sixteen, huh? Riiiiight. Nastia doesn't believe your Made in China passports either.
Runner-up: The Opening Ceremonies hijinks. First we heard that they CGI-ed the fireworks and the footprints. Then we heard about the bait-n-switch, wherein they had one kid lip-syncing to the voice of another little girl because the latter had crooked teeth. By the time the news came out that the little children supposedly representing the various provinces of China were actually actors, we had reached a new low. I mean, what next? A faked leg of the torch run? Talk about bringing new meaning to "Made in China."
The Drums were Distracting, Yo: Story About the Opening Ceremonies You Probably Didn't Hear
Winner: Blue Screen of Death appears at the Opening Ceremonies. As the torch bearer "ran" across the projected images around the Birds' Nest, those hated words, "A problem has been detected and windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer," appeared on the scrim. It was gone in two seconds, but that didn't stop it from showing up on the big dome as well and other parts of the huge LCD screen on the ground. Ah, Microsoft. Uniting the world in system failures one computer at a time.
Runner-up: Dancer falls during dress rehearsal of Opening Ceremonies. Liu Yan was to have the only solo in the Opening Ceremonies, but just twelve days before, she slipped and fell ten feet into a shaft. At first, reports downplayed her injury, but eventually the news came out that she has lost all feeling below her chest and probably will never walk again.
Cue the Overdramatic Music: Best Sob Story
Winner: Lin Hao. At first it was confusing as to why a little boy was walking next to Yao Ming during the Parade of Nations. As it turns out, it was Lin Hao's reward, since China decided to honor him for saving his classmates during the earthquake that hit China earlier this year. Not only did he drag one of his classmates to safety, but he then went back to get another. The reason? He had to go back because he was the hall monitor. Say it with me now: Awwwwwwwwww.
Lin Hao: So cute, everyone in the world wants to adopt him now. Too bad Angelina and Brad already filled out the paperwork two months ago.
Runner-up: Matthias Steiner brings his wife's picture to the medal ceremony after winning the title of "World's Strongest Man." His reason for competing, despite having a falling out with Austria and having to switch to German citizenship? Because "Susann would have wanted me to." Susann, by the way, was his wife who died in a car accident in 2007. "I won this for her, for friends and family. But mostly for her," he said after the medal ceremony.
*facepalm*: Biggest Gaff by an Olympic Volunteer
Winner: Volunteer loses pole vaulter's pole. Pole vaulting is the only event in track and field where athletes bring their own equipment because it must be made exactly to their weight and height. So when the final came around and Brazilian pole vaulter Fabiana Murer found out that one of the volunteers had lost her pole, naturally she was upset because she couldn't even compete for a medal. Whoops indeed.
Runner-up: Cutting off the National Anthem during Michael Phelps' first gold. Not only did they play the first line 3 times, they then cut off the music two lines too early. And sure, Phelps would end up having to hear 7 more times later in Beijing, but it was the first gold medal of the Games, and in front of President Bush, no less. Awk-ward
DUDE, It's Just a Game: Worst Reaction to a Loss
Winner: Cuban taekwondo fighter kicks referee in the face. When Angel Matos hurt his foot in the middle of the match,as per regulations, he was given one minute for medical attention before he had to return to the fight. After spending five seconds too long, the referee rightfully disqualified Matos from the match. So, Matos took the mature response: he kicked the ref in the face. As a result, the World Taekwando Federation has banned him and his coach from the sport for life. WTF is right.
Good Sportmanship: You're doing it wrong.
Runner-up: Coach reams out American Jenn Stuczynski after she wins the silver in pole vaulting. You'd think he'd be happy what with getting 2nd best in the entire world, but listening to him yell and criticize her moments after she won would make anyone think she had come in last. Time for a new coach, methinks.
Drink Every Time They Say "Quest for 8 Gold Medals": Subject NBC Just Wouldn't Let Go
Winner: Michael Phelps. To his credit, I think he did as best a job he could to give his teammates as much credit as they deserved, despite Andrea Kramer making every interview about him. But talk about overkill. I now know all of his eating habits, his dog's snoring capabilities, how he got picked on as a kid, what his mother thinks of him, what the commentators think of him and all the measurements of his body that I need to get him a tux for when we get married. By the end of week one, we were all Phelps-ed out. Too bad we still had to endure another week of ads for the "Michael Phelps: the most Awesomest Athlete who Ever Awesomed" DVD. *shakes head* I can't believe they put out an ad for not five minutes after he got the 8th Gold. Actually, wait, yes I can. Stay classy, NBC!
Michael Phelps: The Most Over-exposed Athlete of the Bejing Games. Just not the kind of exposed we were hoping for.
Runner-up: Dara Torres' age. Hey, did you know that Dara Torres is 41? And a mother? God, it's amazing they aren't rolling her out of a wheelchair into the water! *sigh* Here's a woman who attended her first Olympics years before some swimmers were born. She's an inspiration to anyone who hasn't yet achieved their dreams by the age of 35 and a hilarious mentor to boot (I flove how she helped the other swimmers relax their nerves by telling them horror stories about childbirth and raising a child to give them some perspective on what real responsibility and pressure is.) So why did NBC have to make it out to seem like she was on the verge of keeling over the side of pool? She's not THAT old, Rowdy. Geez.
Oh, you won broke the world record? *Yawn*: Most overlooked swimmer
Winner: Natalie Coughlin. Last Games, she brought home the most medals of any female swimmer on the US team and the second most number of medals of the team overall. Did we hear about it in Athens? No, not a peep. This year she broke the record for the most medals in a single Olympiad for a female swimmer, and once again brought home the second highest number of medals on the US team. This merited a mention at least, but for the most part, it was glossed over in the wake of the Phelps hype, yet again. What's a girl gotta do to get a little respect around here?
Runner-up: Eamon Sullivan. He set the record for the fast 50m time with his split for the 4x100 free. He fills the hole that Ian Thorpe left behind for team Australia because he's legitimately talented, adorable and well toned, and he even entertains the media by dating a fellow teammate, Stephanie Rice, whom he temporarily broke up with so he could focus on his swimming (it's okay though, it was mutual and they announced it together on Facebook). We're talking a media goldmine, here. And yet, no love from NBC. So sad I never got hear his lovely Australian accent in HD. *le sigh*
Swifter, Higher, Hotter: We're fast and hot and wet too. Why isn't everyone paying more attention to us?
IN UR WATERCUBE, EATIN' UP UR AIR TIME: Most Attention Given To A Person in the Stands
Winner: US Men's Basketball Team. In an effort to fight the bad rap they've gotten over the last few Olympics, the team decided work for redemption both on and off the court by showing up to support their fellow Team USA athletes. It seemed that everywhere you turned, there was an NBA basketball star showing up at swimming, tennis, beach volleyball or track and field. Kobe and Lebron were like the Where's Waldo of the Beijing Games. Well, guys? It worked. Thank you for putting aside the egos for 2 weeks- and special thanks for helping Jason Lezak swim faster too, since he didn't want to lose in front you.
Runner-up: Mama Phelps. Okay, I'll admit, at times I growled at the sight of Mama Phelps when they cut to a piece on her in the middle of the semifinals for diving. In general, I'd rather spend my time watching the athletes actually, you know, competeing and kick ass than hear for the 36th time how proud she is of her boy. That said, you had to love her her reaction to the 100 fly. And watching Michael part the sea of photographers like Moses to get his momma and sisters was downright adorable.
Can a Human Being Really Do That?: Freakiest Display of Athleticism
Winner: Chinese Synchonized Diving Team. The Chinese diving team dominated the entire sport, winning gold medals in 7 out of the 8 events, through hard work and relentless practice. But one has got to wonder just how much they did practice to achieve the ability to duplicate their partners movement so closely that from a certain angle from the side, it looks like there's only one diver. It's freaky, I tell you:
Battlestar Galactica called. They want their Final Cylon back.
Runner-up: Usain Bolt. He was able to beat world records and win gold in both the 100m and 200m, but the more amazing fact was that he did it so effortlessly and was so far ahead of the competition, he actually slowed down before crossing the finish line. Absolutely crazy. I think he expended more energy and effort in his victory dance than anything else.
Owwie, Pain: Worst Injury
Winner: Hungarian weightlifter's elbow snaps in the middle of competition. From the four different angles they showed us in the instant replay, you can see that as he lifted up the weight over his head, his elbow gave out and snapped out of place, thus dropping the weight on his body. I'm not going to post any pictures of it in this post, but if you ever wondered what it would look like if your elbows bent the other way, well...now you can see it for yourself.
Runner-up: Liu Xiang. Poor guy. He hurt himself badly he could barely walk, but he still tried to run the race because he had the hopes and dreams of 1.3 billion Chinese countrymen riding on his performance. In this case, it wasn't so much the physical pain that hurt so much; it was the emotional pain of a nation that cut the deepest.
In Yo'Face!: Biggest Upset
Winner: Phelps beats out Cavic in the 100m Fly. Out of nowhere, Phelps comes from behind, from 7th place after the split to beat out Cavic at the touch. To the naked eye, it looked like Cavic won. From the video cameras, it looked like Cavic won. But the touchpads don't lie (so why bother protesting, Serbia?), and in the end, Phelps just had more power to set off the touchpad faster than Cavic who glided in. Hands down, best race of the Beijing Games.
Don't feel bad, Cavic. Everyone finishes 2nd after Michael Phelps. The Jonas Brothers are still bitter that he now has more friends on Facebook.
Runner-up: Matthew Mitchum wins the gold medal in 10m platform diving. In a fairly dramatic upset, Mitchum managed to pull out an amazing dive that won him the gold instead of the favored divers from China. Mitchum's win denied China's quest to go 8-for-8 in diving since they'd won gold in every single event in both genders up until that point.
Sportsmanship 101: Best Friendly Rivalry
Winner: Russia's Natalia Paderina and Georgia's Nino Salukvadze. Irony doesn't even begin to cover this situation. While their countries were at war, these two sharpshooters still managed to keep their friendship in tact and competed with each other with enough respect and appreciation of each other to merit a hug and a kiss on the cheek on the podium. It's for moments like these that we have the Olympics in the first place.
Runner-up: Nastia Lukin and Shawn Johnson. The media tried to make them into bitter rivals, because they truly are the two best gymnasts on the US team, both vying for the top. Funny thing is, they refused to be baited into anything but friendly competition, even go so far as to room with each other. While it was tough to watch Nastia win the gold for the all-around, Johnson never showed anything but pride for her silver, and it was tough to know who was prouder about Shawn getting gold in the beam, Nastia or Shawn's coach.
It's Not Arrogance if You're Right: Person to Live Up to the Hype who Isn't Michael Phelps
Winner: Hope Solo. At last year's World Cup, Solo was benched in favor of a veteran player, despite being the better goalie, and Brazil won. Angry at her coach, she let her discontent be known to the public, saying that if she had been on the field, Brazil would never have scored a single goal. Her comments sparked rifts in the team and for a while most wanted her kicked off for saying. Flash forward to Beijing. A new coach, a new match, but the same Brazilian team playing the same American team, this time with Solo as goalie. Time to put your money where your mouth is. In the end, Solo was true to her word and didn't let a single goal past her. Final score: US-1, Brazil-0.
US Soccer Team: We love you. Hope Solo: I know.
(What? C'mon, like I was going to pass up a Star Wars reference!)
Runner-up:Yang Wei. Like Liu, Yang had the Chinese hopes riding on his ability to win the all-around gold medal and to lead the Chinese team to victory. Without missing a beat and with a goofy smile at the camera when not competing, Yang was able to pull both off and finally win the one medal he was hoping for: the All Around Gold.
That's It?: Biggest Let Down
Winner: The Italy-France swimming love triangle. It was a story that seemed more out of E! True Hollywood story. French swimming star falls for Italian swimming star. Girl leaves loving French public to move in with boy. Italy won't let girl stay and train with boy. Boy and girl break up. Boy hooks up with new Italian girlfriend, who happens to be French girl's rival. Nude photos of French girl get leaked, and rumors point to new Italian girlfriend as the source. Showdown comes in Beijing when French and Italian girl swim in same event. Aaaaaaaaaaand then what happens? Neither of them medal and the big upset is that the English girl beat the American. Talk about disappointments.
Runner-up: US runners. After all that hype about the rivalry between Usain Bolt, Asfa Powell and Tyson Gay, Tyson was forced to pull out of the race due to his injured hamstring. Although she was the favorite to win, Lolo Jones tripped on the second to last hurdle and gave us perhaps one of the most memorable images of the Games. Both the men and the women drop the baton in the relay match. So disappointing, especially in the wake of their talk of redeeming US track in the wake of Marion Jones' doping scandal.
Breakfast of Champions: Best Product Placement
Winner: Kinesio Tape. What the hell was that black stuff that looked like it was eating Kerri Walsh's shoulder. Black tar? A cool tattoo? The Venom symbiote from Spiderman 3? It was a question that had our media scrambling like idiots because they weren't smart enough to figure out that obviously it was some sort of medical tape. Thanks to the cool design and the fact that Kerri used more tape on her shoulder than the amount of material used to make her bikini, Kinesio got a boost in international recognition and legitimacy- and pretty soon, everyone was using it.
Kinesio so owes Kerri Walsh more than a seafood dinner.
Runner-up: McDonalds. First, Phelps says that he eats there all the time, and when asked what he wants to do when he gets home, he answers that he really just wants to eat a hamburger and fries. Then Bolt says that before his historic race in the 100m, he ate chicken McNuggets. And now watch as little children go off and ask Mom and Dad if they can go eat at McDonalds too so they can be just like them.
Better than a Cooler of Gatorade Being Dumped On You: Best Moment for a Coach
Winner: US men's team wins gold medal after coach's father in law is stabbed to death in Beijing. In the first days of the Beijing Games, Coach McCutcheon of the men's volleyball team lost his father-in-law, and the small world of volleyball lost one of the pillars in its community. Married to former US team member Wiz Bachman, McCutcheon had to watch his wife leave with her injured mother to prepare for the funeral of her father, while he stayed to pull the team together after they lost a prominent supporter in their community. Bound by grief and with new purpose, the men's volleyball team came together to win the first gold medal in 20 years- and in the process, gave Coach McCutcheon the best silver lining he could hope for in the wake of such tragedy.
Runner-up: US mens basketball team put all their gold medals on their coach in appreciation for his efforts. Coaches, as a rule, don't get to have medals. But this team has proven itself to be different, that it's grateful to be here and not willing to take anything for granted. Good teams start with good leadership, so the team collectively decided to let their coach know in the simplest of gestures just how heavy their gratitude was for his efforts by letting him feel the weight of all twelve medals.
Pain is For Wimps: Biggest Rockstar
Winner: Natalie Du Toit. She goes down in history for being the first person to compete both in the Olympics and Paralympics, because as you will notice, she's missing a large bit of one of her legs. For the Olympics, she participated in the 10K marathon open water swim, finishing in 16th place, which means that's 9 other people that finished AFTER her, and they had both legs. If that isn't a textbook definition of a BAMF, I don't know what is.
Why? Because I'm a rockstar, that's why.
Runner-up: Bryan Clay. Ten events. The first third in pouring rain. The second third in blistering heat. By the third day, everyone was so thoroughly exhausted, they could barely stand and to be sure, the weather and smog took a toll on all the athletes. All of them except, it seemed, Bryan Clay who so thorough demolished the competition in the most grueling event of track and field, that in the final event, he could have walked his last lap and still finished first. Instead, he ran it out with 40+ seconds to spare. That's what real athleticism looks like, my friends, and it is FINE.
So long and thanks for all the Fish: Every nation's Softball team
There have been a lot of reasons cited for softball being dropped from the Olympic Games starting 2016. Some say it's because the Europeans suck at it and therefore don't care about it. Others blame the influence of the TV studios, who pushed the IOC to drop it due to low ratings. Unfortunately, the biggest blame of all has been laid out on the shoulders of the people who deserve it the least: the players, specifically the always dominant American team. They've essentially been blamed for doing their job too well and winning all the time, because that's the reason IOC always gives for why they're dropping the sport. The ironic part? In the end, Japan beat the US, proving that they are, in fact, fallible. Since the Olympics are the equivalent to the World Series in the world of softball, by dropping softball from the Games, the IOC has forced at least five players into early retirement and left the rest with the question of what they are going to do with their lives. In the tradition of the sport, the five retiring athletes left their cleats on home plate, but not before the Australian, Japanese, and American teams made one more plea to the IOC by spelling out 2016 in softball after the game ended.
Please don't reward our awesomeness by cancelling our sport, IOC
MVP: Jason Lezak
It can't be said enough: Michael Phelps wouldn't have gotten his 8th gold and we all would have had our National Day of Mourning if not for Jason Lezak. His split time of 46.06 seconds in the 4x100 relay is AMAZING, and that he made Bernard eat his words made the victory that much sweeter. But more than that, Jason is also one of the co-captains of the US Men's swimming team, which has been noted by its members for being tightly-knit and strong in team spirit in this year in particular. Maybe it's because he's known as a relay swimmer, or perhaps it's because he is self-coached, but strong teams only happen like that when you have a team player leading the pack.
Memo to Michael Phelps: Jason would like to set up his children's trust funds now.
So what will London bring? More rockstars, more heartbreak, more history to be written, and the answer to the biggest question of all: How on earth are the Brits going to top the Opening Ceremonies of Beijing? Personally, I'm holding out for an exhibition Quidditch match. Hey, if you're going to CGI things, you might as well go all the way. I'm just sayin'. But I guess we'll all have to wait until the Opening Ceremonies of 2012 to find out.
I trust you will use this time wisely to think of better costumes for London, okay Hungary?
***
This post was brought to you by:
Talented children with adorable smiles of all kinds. Because even the ones with crooked teeth deserve recognition for their talent.
Just ask Michael Phelps.
So. The Beijing Olympics.
On one hand, they were everything we expected them to be. We all knew that giving the hosting duties to China might spark drama due to China's history of human rights issues, so when would-be US flag bearer, Joey Cheek, got his visa taken away for being a huge advocate against the Darfur genocide, it wasn't all that surprising. We all hoped that they'd stick to their promise of unrestricted freedom of the press, but seeing as how two elderly women are currently being ordered to a labor camp for applying to protest, we weren't shocked that it took reporters and photographers getting manhandled and arrested for covering the protests before we even heard about them happening.
And of course, everyone knew NBC would be wholly unable to do a good job in scheduling live events, providing clear, objective commentary, or giving adequate airtime to athletes that weren't American, Chinese, or Michael Phelps. So naturally we came prepared with CBC feeds to compensate and Olympic drinking games in place before Costas even had a chance to mangle the pronunciation of his first foreign country.
Yet, as familiar as the urge to throw pillows at the TV and scream "SHUT UP, AL!" was for the last two weeks, the 29th Olympiad of the Summer Games was also drastically different. In many ways, it was the Changing of the Guard. Old world records fell to the wayside, not only with Michael Phelps's eight gold medals, but also in the pool and on the track- and they were set mostly by relative newcomers to the Games. The acceptance of beach volleyball as a legitimate sport and the addition of BMX to the Games have given it a revamped, more youthful image from your Daddy's Olympics. And maybe Thoogie put it best when he said, "It's time to step aside for the new generation of athletes" because it seems that the athletes are just getting younger and younger (and no, I'm not just talking about the Chinese gymnasts.)
So with that in mind, I give you my Best and Worst of the Olympics for 2008. Expect new faces, new categories, and even more outrageous drama than the last Summer Games. But don't worry. The snark is still there as prominent as ever, and I promise, no CGI added elements have been added this post to make it look pretty. (The pictures of pretty pretty athletes do that just fine).
And the Crowd Goes Wild: Best Celebration
Winner: Cesar Filho wins 50m Free. Prior to the race, he could be identified as the swimmer who was constantly making the sign of the cross. After the race, he was the one who was crying so hard, that his rival, Bernard who placed 2nd, gave him a hug and told him with a laugh that, yes, he won, so be happy. It was too cute to see such a humble man win the title of the Fastest Swimmer Alive. (And yes, he openly wept during the medal ceremony, too.)
Runner-up: Sally McLellan gets silver in 100m hurdles. Her elation at winning the hurdles was absolutely a treat to watch, and without a doubt, her post-race interview is the best.thing.ever. Her disbelief at her own feat was adorable, and I loved her answer to the question of "what were you thinking during the race?": "I got over the hurdles and was just thinking, shit, I can't let her get past me." Awesomecakes.
But Some of My Best Friends are Chinese!: Most In Need of Cultural Diversity Training
Winner: Spain. First their basketball team got caught posing in an ad with slanted eyes. To make matters worse, pictures of the Spanish women's tennis team emerged doing the same gesture. And then comes their defense: it was a "gesture of affection ... and identification with the Chinese people." They even had the gall to say that if others are offended, that's their problem. *faceplam*
You might want to re-think your strategy for the bid for the 2016 Games, Madrid. But Tokyo, Rio, and Chicago thank you for your stupidity!
Runner-up: Mary Carrillo's ignorant American shtick. Sometimes she was able to produce an excellent piece that gave us more insight into the Chinese culture, like that piece on the Olympic logo design. More often than not, though, her reliance on Carl Douglas' "Kung-fu Fighing" type jokes and grimaces at the weird food were textbook examples of exoticizing the Other. You know, they eat chicken feet in a lot of other cultures too, Mary. And some people question our love of hot dogs, when no one really knows what goes in them. Just sayin'.
Making Athletes Cry One Interview at a Time: Worst Interviewer
Winner: Andrea Joyce. It's a hard debate over who is the worst among the Terrible Trio of Elfie, Tim, or Al, but by far, Andrea Joyce leaves them all in the dust. Her interview with Alicia Sacramone after the team competition was downright cruel, as she basically asked Alicia how it felt to be responsible for the team "losing gold." Never mind that Alicia showed great composure in completing her events despite stumbles to help them win the silver, that she wasn't the only one to slip, or that, you know, it's a TEAM event. And then, just when it couldn't get any worse, Andrea then turned to her teammate, Shawn Johnson, and asked her if she blamed Alicia for the loss. Needless to say, NBC got flooded with angry emails that night.
Runner-up: Andrea Kramer. You know her as the interviewer who famously asked Natalie Coughlin why she can't seem to swim straight right after Coughlin won the gold medal in the event in question. With such inane questions, it's a surprise no one "accidentally" pushed her into the pool, but I know a ton of people wanted to after she made one teenage diver cry after she failed to qualify for the semi-finals. The worst part? Said interview wasn't even live; NBC chose to air it after the beach volleyball final.
I am Sixteen, going on Fourteen: Biggest Scandal Involving Shady Cover-ups
Winner: The age of the Chinese women's gymnastics team. Look, does ANYONE actually believe that these kids are 16 (or turning 16 this year as the rule allows)? Not that anyone could do anything about it: the IOC goes off of government issued documents, so if China produces the paperwork showing that they are of age, no "mistake" found by the media of said gymnast listing a younger age in previous competitions can say differently. I just think it's sucks that 33 year-old Oksana Chusovitina busted her butt against teenagers and still managed to get silver for Germany.
Sixteen, huh? Riiiiight. Nastia doesn't believe your Made in China passports either.
Runner-up: The Opening Ceremonies hijinks. First we heard that they CGI-ed the fireworks and the footprints. Then we heard about the bait-n-switch, wherein they had one kid lip-syncing to the voice of another little girl because the latter had crooked teeth. By the time the news came out that the little children supposedly representing the various provinces of China were actually actors, we had reached a new low. I mean, what next? A faked leg of the torch run? Talk about bringing new meaning to "Made in China."
The Drums were Distracting, Yo: Story About the Opening Ceremonies You Probably Didn't Hear
Winner: Blue Screen of Death appears at the Opening Ceremonies. As the torch bearer "ran" across the projected images around the Birds' Nest, those hated words, "A problem has been detected and windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer," appeared on the scrim. It was gone in two seconds, but that didn't stop it from showing up on the big dome as well and other parts of the huge LCD screen on the ground. Ah, Microsoft. Uniting the world in system failures one computer at a time.
Runner-up: Dancer falls during dress rehearsal of Opening Ceremonies. Liu Yan was to have the only solo in the Opening Ceremonies, but just twelve days before, she slipped and fell ten feet into a shaft. At first, reports downplayed her injury, but eventually the news came out that she has lost all feeling below her chest and probably will never walk again.
Cue the Overdramatic Music: Best Sob Story
Winner: Lin Hao. At first it was confusing as to why a little boy was walking next to Yao Ming during the Parade of Nations. As it turns out, it was Lin Hao's reward, since China decided to honor him for saving his classmates during the earthquake that hit China earlier this year. Not only did he drag one of his classmates to safety, but he then went back to get another. The reason? He had to go back because he was the hall monitor. Say it with me now: Awwwwwwwwww.
Lin Hao: So cute, everyone in the world wants to adopt him now. Too bad Angelina and Brad already filled out the paperwork two months ago.
Runner-up: Matthias Steiner brings his wife's picture to the medal ceremony after winning the title of "World's Strongest Man." His reason for competing, despite having a falling out with Austria and having to switch to German citizenship? Because "Susann would have wanted me to." Susann, by the way, was his wife who died in a car accident in 2007. "I won this for her, for friends and family. But mostly for her," he said after the medal ceremony.
*facepalm*: Biggest Gaff by an Olympic Volunteer
Winner: Volunteer loses pole vaulter's pole. Pole vaulting is the only event in track and field where athletes bring their own equipment because it must be made exactly to their weight and height. So when the final came around and Brazilian pole vaulter Fabiana Murer found out that one of the volunteers had lost her pole, naturally she was upset because she couldn't even compete for a medal. Whoops indeed.
Runner-up: Cutting off the National Anthem during Michael Phelps' first gold. Not only did they play the first line 3 times, they then cut off the music two lines too early. And sure, Phelps would end up having to hear 7 more times later in Beijing, but it was the first gold medal of the Games, and in front of President Bush, no less. Awk-ward
DUDE, It's Just a Game: Worst Reaction to a Loss
Winner: Cuban taekwondo fighter kicks referee in the face. When Angel Matos hurt his foot in the middle of the match,as per regulations, he was given one minute for medical attention before he had to return to the fight. After spending five seconds too long, the referee rightfully disqualified Matos from the match. So, Matos took the mature response: he kicked the ref in the face. As a result, the World Taekwando Federation has banned him and his coach from the sport for life. WTF is right.
Good Sportmanship: You're doing it wrong.
Runner-up: Coach reams out American Jenn Stuczynski after she wins the silver in pole vaulting. You'd think he'd be happy what with getting 2nd best in the entire world, but listening to him yell and criticize her moments after she won would make anyone think she had come in last. Time for a new coach, methinks.
Drink Every Time They Say "Quest for 8 Gold Medals": Subject NBC Just Wouldn't Let Go
Winner: Michael Phelps. To his credit, I think he did as best a job he could to give his teammates as much credit as they deserved, despite Andrea Kramer making every interview about him. But talk about overkill. I now know all of his eating habits, his dog's snoring capabilities, how he got picked on as a kid, what his mother thinks of him, what the commentators think of him and all the measurements of his body
Michael Phelps: The Most Over-exposed Athlete of the Bejing Games. Just not the kind of exposed we were hoping for.
Runner-up: Dara Torres' age. Hey, did you know that Dara Torres is 41? And a mother? God, it's amazing they aren't rolling her out of a wheelchair into the water! *sigh* Here's a woman who attended her first Olympics years before some swimmers were born. She's an inspiration to anyone who hasn't yet achieved their dreams by the age of 35 and a hilarious mentor to boot (I flove how she helped the other swimmers relax their nerves by telling them horror stories about childbirth and raising a child to give them some perspective on what real responsibility and pressure is.) So why did NBC have to make it out to seem like she was on the verge of keeling over the side of pool? She's not THAT old, Rowdy. Geez.
Oh, you won broke the world record? *Yawn*: Most overlooked swimmer
Winner: Natalie Coughlin. Last Games, she brought home the most medals of any female swimmer on the US team and the second most number of medals of the team overall. Did we hear about it in Athens? No, not a peep. This year she broke the record for the most medals in a single Olympiad for a female swimmer, and once again brought home the second highest number of medals on the US team. This merited a mention at least, but for the most part, it was glossed over in the wake of the Phelps hype, yet again. What's a girl gotta do to get a little respect around here?
Runner-up: Eamon Sullivan. He set the record for the fast 50m time with his split for the 4x100 free. He fills the hole that Ian Thorpe left behind for team Australia because he's legitimately talented, adorable and well toned, and he even entertains the media by dating a fellow teammate, Stephanie Rice, whom he temporarily broke up with so he could focus on his swimming (it's okay though, it was mutual and they announced it together on Facebook). We're talking a media goldmine, here. And yet, no love from NBC. So sad I never got hear his lovely Australian accent in HD. *le sigh*
Swifter, Higher, Hotter: We're fast and hot and wet too. Why isn't everyone paying more attention to us?
IN UR WATERCUBE, EATIN' UP UR AIR TIME: Most Attention Given To A Person in the Stands
Winner: US Men's Basketball Team. In an effort to fight the bad rap they've gotten over the last few Olympics, the team decided work for redemption both on and off the court by showing up to support their fellow Team USA athletes. It seemed that everywhere you turned, there was an NBA basketball star showing up at swimming, tennis, beach volleyball or track and field. Kobe and Lebron were like the Where's Waldo of the Beijing Games. Well, guys? It worked. Thank you for putting aside the egos for 2 weeks- and special thanks for helping Jason Lezak swim faster too, since he didn't want to lose in front you.
Runner-up: Mama Phelps. Okay, I'll admit, at times I growled at the sight of Mama Phelps when they cut to a piece on her in the middle of the semifinals for diving. In general, I'd rather spend my time watching the athletes actually, you know, competeing and kick ass than hear for the 36th time how proud she is of her boy. That said, you had to love her her reaction to the 100 fly. And watching Michael part the sea of photographers like Moses to get his momma and sisters was downright adorable.
Can a Human Being Really Do That?: Freakiest Display of Athleticism
Winner: Chinese Synchonized Diving Team. The Chinese diving team dominated the entire sport, winning gold medals in 7 out of the 8 events, through hard work and relentless practice. But one has got to wonder just how much they did practice to achieve the ability to duplicate their partners movement so closely that from a certain angle from the side, it looks like there's only one diver. It's freaky, I tell you:
Battlestar Galactica called. They want their Final Cylon back.
Runner-up: Usain Bolt. He was able to beat world records and win gold in both the 100m and 200m, but the more amazing fact was that he did it so effortlessly and was so far ahead of the competition, he actually slowed down before crossing the finish line. Absolutely crazy. I think he expended more energy and effort in his victory dance than anything else.
Owwie, Pain: Worst Injury
Winner: Hungarian weightlifter's elbow snaps in the middle of competition. From the four different angles they showed us in the instant replay, you can see that as he lifted up the weight over his head, his elbow gave out and snapped out of place, thus dropping the weight on his body. I'm not going to post any pictures of it in this post, but if you ever wondered what it would look like if your elbows bent the other way, well...now you can see it for yourself.
Runner-up: Liu Xiang. Poor guy. He hurt himself badly he could barely walk, but he still tried to run the race because he had the hopes and dreams of 1.3 billion Chinese countrymen riding on his performance. In this case, it wasn't so much the physical pain that hurt so much; it was the emotional pain of a nation that cut the deepest.
In Yo'Face!: Biggest Upset
Winner: Phelps beats out Cavic in the 100m Fly. Out of nowhere, Phelps comes from behind, from 7th place after the split to beat out Cavic at the touch. To the naked eye, it looked like Cavic won. From the video cameras, it looked like Cavic won. But the touchpads don't lie (so why bother protesting, Serbia?), and in the end, Phelps just had more power to set off the touchpad faster than Cavic who glided in. Hands down, best race of the Beijing Games.
Don't feel bad, Cavic. Everyone finishes 2nd after Michael Phelps. The Jonas Brothers are still bitter that he now has more friends on Facebook.
Runner-up: Matthew Mitchum wins the gold medal in 10m platform diving. In a fairly dramatic upset, Mitchum managed to pull out an amazing dive that won him the gold instead of the favored divers from China. Mitchum's win denied China's quest to go 8-for-8 in diving since they'd won gold in every single event in both genders up until that point.
Sportsmanship 101: Best Friendly Rivalry
Winner: Russia's Natalia Paderina and Georgia's Nino Salukvadze. Irony doesn't even begin to cover this situation. While their countries were at war, these two sharpshooters still managed to keep their friendship in tact and competed with each other with enough respect and appreciation of each other to merit a hug and a kiss on the cheek on the podium. It's for moments like these that we have the Olympics in the first place.
Runner-up: Nastia Lukin and Shawn Johnson. The media tried to make them into bitter rivals, because they truly are the two best gymnasts on the US team, both vying for the top. Funny thing is, they refused to be baited into anything but friendly competition, even go so far as to room with each other. While it was tough to watch Nastia win the gold for the all-around, Johnson never showed anything but pride for her silver, and it was tough to know who was prouder about Shawn getting gold in the beam, Nastia or Shawn's coach.
It's Not Arrogance if You're Right: Person to Live Up to the Hype who Isn't Michael Phelps
Winner: Hope Solo. At last year's World Cup, Solo was benched in favor of a veteran player, despite being the better goalie, and Brazil won. Angry at her coach, she let her discontent be known to the public, saying that if she had been on the field, Brazil would never have scored a single goal. Her comments sparked rifts in the team and for a while most wanted her kicked off for saying. Flash forward to Beijing. A new coach, a new match, but the same Brazilian team playing the same American team, this time with Solo as goalie. Time to put your money where your mouth is. In the end, Solo was true to her word and didn't let a single goal past her. Final score: US-1, Brazil-0.
US Soccer Team: We love you. Hope Solo: I know.
(What? C'mon, like I was going to pass up a Star Wars reference!)
Runner-up:Yang Wei. Like Liu, Yang had the Chinese hopes riding on his ability to win the all-around gold medal and to lead the Chinese team to victory. Without missing a beat and with a goofy smile at the camera when not competing, Yang was able to pull both off and finally win the one medal he was hoping for: the All Around Gold.
That's It?: Biggest Let Down
Winner: The Italy-France swimming love triangle. It was a story that seemed more out of E! True Hollywood story. French swimming star falls for Italian swimming star. Girl leaves loving French public to move in with boy. Italy won't let girl stay and train with boy. Boy and girl break up. Boy hooks up with new Italian girlfriend, who happens to be French girl's rival. Nude photos of French girl get leaked, and rumors point to new Italian girlfriend as the source. Showdown comes in Beijing when French and Italian girl swim in same event. Aaaaaaaaaaand then what happens? Neither of them medal and the big upset is that the English girl beat the American. Talk about disappointments.
Runner-up: US runners. After all that hype about the rivalry between Usain Bolt, Asfa Powell and Tyson Gay, Tyson was forced to pull out of the race due to his injured hamstring. Although she was the favorite to win, Lolo Jones tripped on the second to last hurdle and gave us perhaps one of the most memorable images of the Games. Both the men and the women drop the baton in the relay match. So disappointing, especially in the wake of their talk of redeeming US track in the wake of Marion Jones' doping scandal.
Breakfast of Champions: Best Product Placement
Winner: Kinesio Tape. What the hell was that black stuff that looked like it was eating Kerri Walsh's shoulder. Black tar? A cool tattoo? The Venom symbiote from Spiderman 3? It was a question that had our media scrambling like idiots because they weren't smart enough to figure out that obviously it was some sort of medical tape. Thanks to the cool design and the fact that Kerri used more tape on her shoulder than the amount of material used to make her bikini, Kinesio got a boost in international recognition and legitimacy- and pretty soon, everyone was using it.
Kinesio so owes Kerri Walsh more than a seafood dinner.
Runner-up: McDonalds. First, Phelps says that he eats there all the time, and when asked what he wants to do when he gets home, he answers that he really just wants to eat a hamburger and fries. Then Bolt says that before his historic race in the 100m, he ate chicken McNuggets. And now watch as little children go off and ask Mom and Dad if they can go eat at McDonalds too so they can be just like them.
Better than a Cooler of Gatorade Being Dumped On You: Best Moment for a Coach
Winner: US men's team wins gold medal after coach's father in law is stabbed to death in Beijing. In the first days of the Beijing Games, Coach McCutcheon of the men's volleyball team lost his father-in-law, and the small world of volleyball lost one of the pillars in its community. Married to former US team member Wiz Bachman, McCutcheon had to watch his wife leave with her injured mother to prepare for the funeral of her father, while he stayed to pull the team together after they lost a prominent supporter in their community. Bound by grief and with new purpose, the men's volleyball team came together to win the first gold medal in 20 years- and in the process, gave Coach McCutcheon the best silver lining he could hope for in the wake of such tragedy.
Runner-up: US mens basketball team put all their gold medals on their coach in appreciation for his efforts. Coaches, as a rule, don't get to have medals. But this team has proven itself to be different, that it's grateful to be here and not willing to take anything for granted. Good teams start with good leadership, so the team collectively decided to let their coach know in the simplest of gestures just how heavy their gratitude was for his efforts by letting him feel the weight of all twelve medals.
Pain is For Wimps: Biggest Rockstar
Winner: Natalie Du Toit. She goes down in history for being the first person to compete both in the Olympics and Paralympics, because as you will notice, she's missing a large bit of one of her legs. For the Olympics, she participated in the 10K marathon open water swim, finishing in 16th place, which means that's 9 other people that finished AFTER her, and they had both legs. If that isn't a textbook definition of a BAMF, I don't know what is.
Why? Because I'm a rockstar, that's why.
Runner-up: Bryan Clay. Ten events. The first third in pouring rain. The second third in blistering heat. By the third day, everyone was so thoroughly exhausted, they could barely stand and to be sure, the weather and smog took a toll on all the athletes. All of them except, it seemed, Bryan Clay who so thorough demolished the competition in the most grueling event of track and field, that in the final event, he could have walked his last lap and still finished first. Instead, he ran it out with 40+ seconds to spare. That's what real athleticism looks like, my friends, and it is FINE.
So long and thanks for all the Fish: Every nation's Softball team
There have been a lot of reasons cited for softball being dropped from the Olympic Games starting 2016. Some say it's because the Europeans suck at it and therefore don't care about it. Others blame the influence of the TV studios, who pushed the IOC to drop it due to low ratings. Unfortunately, the biggest blame of all has been laid out on the shoulders of the people who deserve it the least: the players, specifically the always dominant American team. They've essentially been blamed for doing their job too well and winning all the time, because that's the reason IOC always gives for why they're dropping the sport. The ironic part? In the end, Japan beat the US, proving that they are, in fact, fallible. Since the Olympics are the equivalent to the World Series in the world of softball, by dropping softball from the Games, the IOC has forced at least five players into early retirement and left the rest with the question of what they are going to do with their lives. In the tradition of the sport, the five retiring athletes left their cleats on home plate, but not before the Australian, Japanese, and American teams made one more plea to the IOC by spelling out 2016 in softball after the game ended.
Please don't reward our awesomeness by cancelling our sport, IOC
MVP: Jason Lezak
It can't be said enough: Michael Phelps wouldn't have gotten his 8th gold and we all would have had our National Day of Mourning if not for Jason Lezak. His split time of 46.06 seconds in the 4x100 relay is AMAZING, and that he made Bernard eat his words made the victory that much sweeter. But more than that, Jason is also one of the co-captains of the US Men's swimming team, which has been noted by its members for being tightly-knit and strong in team spirit in this year in particular. Maybe it's because he's known as a relay swimmer, or perhaps it's because he is self-coached, but strong teams only happen like that when you have a team player leading the pack.
Memo to Michael Phelps: Jason would like to set up his children's trust funds now.
So what will London bring? More rockstars, more heartbreak, more history to be written, and the answer to the biggest question of all: How on earth are the Brits going to top the Opening Ceremonies of Beijing? Personally, I'm holding out for an exhibition Quidditch match. Hey, if you're going to CGI things, you might as well go all the way. I'm just sayin'. But I guess we'll all have to wait until the Opening Ceremonies of 2012 to find out.
I trust you will use this time wisely to think of better costumes for London, okay Hungary?
***
Talented children with adorable smiles of all kinds. Because even the ones with crooked teeth deserve recognition for their talent.
Just ask Michael Phelps.
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So let me ask you this: Who's your pick to host the 2016 Games?
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As for 2016, I'm thinking Tokyo might not get it because we just had Beijing. Same goes for Madrid because we just had Athens. My guess is that they are going to go with one of the Americas. Rio has a problem with poverty and Chicago can be pretty shady, but it's a change of pace so it is a factor.
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As a CBC watcher, it would have been fun to note the utter relief when Carol Huynh advanced to the gold-medal match in wrestling - it signalled that Canada in fact would not be shut out of the medals after going for 7-8 days without a single one to show. Man, was I ever tired of the forums saying "Canada sucks, blah blah blah..."
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